Here at CCHQ, we are constantly tempted to riff for Satan. We are strong, and we resist, but it's hard. My good friend and colleague Baaron Von Cuddles is a veritable human tempest, twisted this way and that, forever at war with the shred-devil inside. Sometimes, when he's tired or angry or confused, he lays waste to the Kingdoms Of The Earth with his fiery arpeggios and Jehovah himself trembles on his lofty throne.
But today is Sunday, the Lords day, when we give thanks for His bounty. Yea, great blessings will rain down on everyone who has coughed up their hard-earned scratch for this campaign. You BELIEVE, which helps us believe, and then there's just all this crazy believing going on, and that's exactly the thing you need when you're a creepy Peter Pan in an "alternative" band working on your "difficult sophomore record".
Our stated goal has been reached! Smashed! There were nervous, giggly hi-fives down in the CC dungeon when the page refreshed at 101%. Some dude with curly hair we'd never seen before opened a bottle of expensive peach schnapps. He called us Modern Australian Heroes, and I began to weep, but before we could drink a toast our violent young intern, Laura, physically ejected him, and threatened him with hospital if she ever caught him creeping around the studio again, trying to buy his way into The Gang with fancy booze and arse-licking talk.
He was obviously a doomed loser, and everyone laughed and spat on him as Laura dragged him up the stairs in a brutal head-lock and kicked him unconscious in front of a terrified crowd of law clerks waiting at the bus-stop.
We poured his schnapps, and it tasted like victory, so we refreshed the page one more time, just for fun.
But we must not lose sight of the fact that this here is a pre-sale campaign, so our real goal is simply to sell as many copies of our FUCKYESTASTIC upcoming 2nd album as possible. Preferably to those who will like it the best. They will be the ones walking tall when the Day Of Judgement comes. Their names will be on the list at every club and cherubs will suck their toes.
So don't be put off by the numbers. Keep those pre-orders rolling in. You are investing in top-shelf, hand-crafted, brain-damaging music. Your peer-group will be awed by your wisdom when you invite them over for an exclusive CCLP2 listening party.
You'll probably get laid stupid every which-way by your ex-room-mate's office-friend. You know, the hot one with the limp that always ignores you.
And when you're drinking coffee in bed together the next morning, half-checking your blogs, you'll think..
"Bless your honest hearts, Civil Civic. Unlike God in Heaven, you boys have never, ever let me down."