The Civic Chronicle #5

4/6/2010: The scintillating Nordic morning light was an unwelcome guest in our Kristiansand hotel room.

Our drunkenness had reached triple-vision status by the time we “hit the hay” after the gig and I felt more or less like the victim of a savage skin-head style beating. Aaron was more or less himself, since he revels in his own pain as much as the pain of his enemies, so I just moaned softly while he packed the ATV and made other preparations for our departure.

No-one the previous night had brought up his vicious slandering of the Norwegian royals, so he had renewed optimism about our reception in Oslo and chatted spiritedly as we GPSed our way out of town.

We drove at a relaxed pace, stopping frequently at quaint little roadside shacks for big helpings of Scrap, Knacker, Phuknuckle and other local junk-foods. We became so full of sugar and grease that our sweat turned brown and fellow travellers eyed us with obvious distaste.

But nothing short of a shit tsunami could have spoiled the drive, through some of the most enchantingly beautiful scenery my watery, bloodshot eyes have ever seen.

Norway is a bleak, ugly, shitty place.

Upon arriving in Oslo we drove straight to the grounds of the University, where an outdoor stage had been set-up next to the refectory. Sound-check was still some hours away, so we drank beer and hobnobbed with the Magnificent Magnus from Radio Nova, who had organised the gig.

Magnus was very enthusiastic about the show, despite our revolting appearance, and good vibes did abound.

At the Uni, chewing the fat with Mr Magnificent.

Is that snot, or something on the window? Or is it fucking speed? Questions.

Our peace was shattered by the sinister presence of Andy Inglis (pronounced Ingles) who had flown over to catch the show and do a spot of herring fishing with some Viking friends of his. We couldn’t find a decent excuse to get away from him, so we all dined in a local eatery and sampled some brewed-on-site beer at a swank pub across the road. Total cost? 48,000euros.

Aaron became increasingly agitated by the fact that every single person we saw on the street looked healthy and attractive and professionally successful, so as we were walking through what Magnus described as the “posh part” of town  he casually threw his cigar into a trash-can and stood back watching while the whole thing erupted into flame.

Onlookers were visibly horrified by this outburst of brazen vandalism, to Aarons' great satisfaction, and he gleefully squatted down next to the blaze and started rubbing his hands like a vagrant.

I was concerned about attracting attention, but I had also lost my lighter and bent down to ignite my cigarette, with the result that Evil Andy managed to snap us both squatting in front of the bin while fowl-smelling black smoke blew into a near-bye restaurant, causing the diners retch and flee for the exits.

So having had a bit of pointlessly destructive fun, we walked back to the gig and, y’know, “did our thing”.

Fiddling with pedals and tuning up. We are legendary show-men.

I got an industrial strength attack of nerves before we played, for whatever reason, so I was distracted and butterfingered throughout our set. But it didn’t seem to spoil things for anyone else, and Magnus declared himself over-the-moon with the whole shebang. He even introduced me to his friend Water Cooler at the radio station.

I am down with Water Cooler. No need to ask about the kaldt vann.

Bueno. We did some mingling amongst the happy young crowd after the show, but people say I became a nuisance. I couldn’t help it. The girls are just so pretty. But typically it was Aaron who "scored" as we can see from this photo of him snogging some enraptured Viking babe. Aaron has a beautiful lawyer fiance, so it is with great evil pleasure that I post this shot, in the hope that his domestic bliss will be shattered like so much cheap Chinese crockery.

Anyway, we went back to the hotel without causing too many scenes and tried to sleep, even though at that stage (4:30 am) the sun was fully up and shining brightly.

Many thanks to Radio Nova, and to Mr Magnificent Magnus Berg in particular. A fine host with excellent manners and taste.

That’s Oslo, people. Next stop Gothenburg, home of “Melodeath”! Frash out!!!!!